Freak
by cnaheartsbotdf
Summary: This is an english assignment given to Vlad. He's to write a poem that strikes the emotion he is feeling, in the reader. This is one I wrote while freaking out and having a massive panic attack. I figured it works with Vlad a little too. So please, tell me what you think?


**I just wanna a say that I did write this poem while I was suffering a massive panic attack. I was sixteen, almost seventeen. So a little over a year ago. I just thought it would be a good poem to apply to a character as well. All of my characters in fanfics have a piece of me within them. So this was from my perspective, then applied to Vlad**.

Yell at me  
Beat me down  
You don't care how I feel  
I feel like I could die  
But no, please, yell some more  
Don't stop  
I deserve your cruel words  
Sharp shards of hate in my heart, soul, and mind  
They won't heal  
I'll bleed black ink for eternity  
As you can see, it's already begun  
These words on these pages  
They're the blood from my soul and mind  
My heart, as it still bleeds, is numb  
I go through the motions  
But never make an impact  
In a world of 6 billion people, my voice goes unheard  
My pain goes unnoticed  
My blood goes unseen  
My wounds go unhealed  
I die with every breathe I take  
I was born to die  
As are we all  
The second we come into this hateful world  
We start to die  
So how can I live, knowing I'm already dead?  
I can feel my heart beat racing  
Faster and faster  
I can feel panic spreading through my limbs  
I can feel my mother's anger  
I can feel my ink-blood drip  
From the tip  
Of a black bic pen  
Drip...  
Drip...  
Drip...  
A steady flow  
Drip...  
Drip...  
Drip...  
A constant reminder of my family's cruelties  
Never healing  
Never leaving  
It makes me scared  
Breathless  
Am I dying?  
Or does it just feel that way?  
You all watch me as if I'm a science project  
I'm no experiment  
I AM a human being  
With rights  
Feelings  
Tears  
I just want love  
Equality  
Family  
But no, I'm just a loveless, lowlife, freak  
Borne of "love", raised by hate  
How do you sleep at night?  
How do you breath?  
You know I hurt  
So why ignore me?  
You must be terrified  
If you think it's okay to pretend I'm alright  
That I'm not losing control  
That I'm not falling apart before your eyes  
You can see, yet you're blind with ignorance  
You can hear, yet you're deaf to my pleas  
You can speak, yet all you tell is lies  
All I can do is nothing that's right  
I fail at everything I do  
Yet my words, useless letters, continue to bleed onto the page  
Why can't I stop?  
The panic has set in again  
My heart feels as if it will burst  
I can't breathe, it hurts  
dripdripdrip  
The faster the heartbeat  
dripdripdrip  
The faster the flow  
babumbabumbabum  
Faster and faster  
The room is spinning  
I'm getting dizzy  
It won't stop  
My world is spinning out of control  
I'm slipping  
I'm on the brink of screaming  
The edge of insanity  
And I'm about to fall  
Who'll catch me you ask?  
No one  
No one will be waiting at the bottom of my endless, spiraling, insane, black abyss  
My nothing is all around me  
It's closing in  
The room as it's spinning is getting smaller and smaller  
I'm suffocating  
The walls are pushing me in  
b-bum b-bum b-bum  
Faster and faster still  
When will it end?  
I can't find an escape  
dripdripdrip  
More black blood smears  
Dirty smudges on beautiful, clean ivory  
I'm tainting what's pure  
My fear is consuming me  
I see cruel laughing faces all around me  
They taunt me  
I want them to disappear  
Make it stop  
bubumbubumbubum  
This ink-blood flows so fast now  
It's like a river that can't be stopped  
Grey, frothy rapids in an onyx stream  
Twisting and turning  
But look at the big picture  
This deadly river is in my head  
No one sees my frustration  
Or my fear  
I cry myself to sleep everynight  
How is that healthy?  
It's not normal!  
I'm slipping deeper into a black noiseless ocean  
I do everything wrong  
I say the wrong things  
I think the wrong things  
I try to keep myself in check  
But it's so hard to keep track  
Of someone so lostm, so hurt, so scared  
That they constantly shift gears and want to run and hide  
Hide  
That sounds excellent  
I'll hide in a shell  
I won't ever speak again  
I'll cease to be seen  
I'll bandage my own wounds the best I can  
I'm only a child  
How can I feel this way?  
I'm lost with no guide  
Lost on my river  
Let's call it Peur Noire  
Black fear  
Fitting name, don't you think?  
It fitss with my black, twisting fear  
Noises everywhere  
Once again panic begins anew  
I can't focus  
I can't do anything  
But cry, twitch, and shake  
My mind is reeling  
I'm seeing painful clips from my past  
No more! No more!  
End it, stop it, please!  
I need release  
This ink-blod isn't helping  
I'm getting worse  
I need to go home  
I need my control  
Panic subsides temporarily  
I have a moment to rest  
A moment to think  
But that peace  
That clarity  
They don't last long  
Now sets in the saddness and guilt  
The fear resparks  
Tears flow freely  
I'm alone  
Bleeding ink  
Crying makeup  
Wishing someone wanted to help  
But I can think of no one  
No one who would forget everything and save me from drowning  
Peur Noire is going faster now  
Stealing my breath  
I'm getting cold  
My lips are purple  
And getting darker every second  
My movements are slow and stupid  
My mind feels fuzzy  
Throught the haze I wonder  
"What will tomorrow be like?"  
That scares me  
Peur Noire goes faster  
Grows colder  
How people manage this  
I'll NEVER understand  
But what if everything I'm going through,  
Is a memory?  
What if I'm somewhere in the future comatose, forever panicking, floating Peur Noire?  
If that's so, I'd rather be 6 feet under  
In a black coffin  
Lined with lavender satin  
But I need to be here  
So Peur Noire, I'll be back tomorrow  
For another day of terror  
So farewell until the day begins anew  
My final words:  
Everyday, after every journey, I'll give in, stop fighting Peur Noire and go under in my dreams.


End file.
